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Joshua

Apr. 25th, 2005 10:53 am shhhhh..

Quiet morning, silence surrounding me...
I'm wrapping myself in you now
and listening to a Cardinal's song drifting on breeze unencombered
knowing... that you are bringing the day's light and levity

shhhh.. for I am enraptured in you, sweet solace
and would do anything to embrace this moment forever
and carry it long and wide in life's every step

let there always be the scent of rich black coffee and
the first breath of morning's air
and I will never question life's potential

With sleepy smiles,

Josh

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: shedaisy

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Apr. 17th, 2005 11:33 am Good God

It's been a VERY long time indeed since I've updated this thing. robby's post got me in the mood to write... Sooo, where to begin. I'm extremely hung over this morning thanks to Aaron's bachelor party. A bunch of us guys went out last night and party'd it up for Aaron and some dude at the bar started buying us rounds and whenever that happens, the results are always the same. The poor bastard got dumped by his wife a few weeks ago and did what most straight men do-- went to a bar, played pool, got drunk and unloaded his life story onto a bunch of unsuspecting transmen. I had the whole last week off from work and am feeling almost human again. I got the hammock out and read a bunch of books, got the motorcycle cleaned up-charged up and have ridden her a bit. She's not too happy with all the old fuel in her but I'm hoping to ride that all off in the next week. I'd really like to get a bigger bike but my finances are pretty shitty lately. D and I racked up some serious debt with my top surgery, etc. and are just trying to get by now. D hasn't had a job in nearly 3 years and it's really putting a strain on us. She contributed for a long time but now we're short on cash all the time... we've gone to therapy for it and all, but it really is making me crazy. The interviews seem to go ok and she puts out tons of resumes but no one ever actually hires her. It's fucking insane. I'm glad I don't work in a field like hers... if I got fired tomorrow, I could find a job yesterday. The worst part of everything lately is that my parents are no longer really getting along with D. They think she's taking advantage of me and not contributing to our family. So now they don't trust her and I really need my family to get along. It's this weird thing for me-- I just need my folks to really trust and love my partners and I've never had a scenario like this-- I'm not even sure if she got a job tomorrow--if their opinion of her would ever change. They just don't like her, period. I hate that! Other then the above drama-like is pretty much the same. My transition is complete-except for the continued hair growth. I sorta forget I'm not biologically male now--which is cool. I think I'm coming up on year 4 of T!! I can't believe it's been that long! OK-- I'm starving and have to go ride my bike to an omelette somewhere. Much love to my bros***
Josh

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Avant

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Aug. 10th, 2004 01:47 am boy it's late...

and I'm sick as a dog... I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I stayed home from work today and am staying home tomorrow. It's 2 am and I'm up... and can't sleep. I decided to search the web for trans guy stuff, just to see what's out there. As an aside, I think it's pathetic that I do these things when I'm forcibly removed from the world at large... but I digress. I realized tonight that there are many guys like me who have transitioned and then seemingly disappear from the trans community. I went to one website tonight that had 25+ links to different transguys personal webpages. I think 1 link actually worked... and his webpage said something like "I'm not transitioning anymore so this website isn't updated". And, I don't know, it kinda made me feel lonely. Like, we go thru this process and then just sort of melt into society. And we have these battle scars... and this entire lifetime of experiences and then it's over. Maybe it's the codeine syrup talking but I'm feeling a rare nostalgia tonight. Like the journey hasn't been celebrated enough... like maybe I don't visit my past the way I should. And why does it take getting sick for me to slow down enough to process the speed with which my life passes me by. I will be 33 in September. Maybe this birthday I will finally slow down a bit and savor what has occurred so far. It couldn't hurt! PS, I have a son now... Oscar, a 6 and half pound baby Dachshund. The joy of my life. How joyous is the feel of puppy belly up against my beard!

Josh

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Jun. 14th, 2004 05:25 pm What transition?

Anyone else notice I'm writing less and less in this journal? I sorta feel like I really am not transitioning anymore so there isn't much to talk about. The only thing new is my switch from all those topical T products and my final switch over to injectable. I was originally kind of irritated to be injecting but the topical cream didn't work out at all. The interesting thing? Since injecting, all my dreams are vivid and involve me as being 100% male. In these dreams I have the equipment I've always dreamed about...:) The only thing new with my transition is even more hair with the injectable T. My chest hair is filling in fast, even if it's very light... my thigh hair is even thicker and my beard is filling in everywhere. My only issue that remains since the beginning of this journey is the damn bathroom. I find myself searching out bathrooms at work that don't have anyone in them because I don't want to run into coworkers... and I find myself just simply NOT going out in public. I've used those STP contraptions and they DO work but what a pain in the ass... and a nightmare in your shorts. It seemed ok for a while but now it's simply too much work and really uncomfortable. I just wish they'd perfect the phalloplasty procedure. I'd do anything just to walk into the mens room and let er' rip. I feel like it's the only part of my transition that continually pisses me off and reminds me that I'm not 100% male. It's depressing. The other part of my transition that's continually changing is my subconscious drifting from the trans men community... I'm not sure why I feel so distant about it all. They've done so much to help me get to this point and all I keep dreaming about is getting bottom surgery and never looking back. So I guess I'm continually feeling guilty about this and wondering why my transition has made me feel this way. At any rate, that's my story for now. I am going to my sister's graduation this w/e... and my extended family will see me for the very first time since the transition. Should prove interesting! Thank God I'm finally at a point where I really could give a rat's ass. Congrats to my sistah!!

Josh

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Mar. 24th, 2004 06:41 pm Things about facial hair I didn't know...

1. when you blow your nose, everything gets caught in the little hairs... YUCK!
2. the hairs freeze in the winter..
3. drinking out of cans and bottles is accompanied by this weird, squishy feeling as the mustache gets caught on the top of the rim...
4. eating honey and peanut butter now involve finding ways how to get it out of my beard
5. licking your top lip is accompanied by "what the hell?" as you tongue scrapes up against your mustache
6. showers now involve conditioning my hair AND my beard... weird!
7. wearing jackets with collars causes this weird scraping noise when you turn your head... your beard scrapes up against the material...
8. kissing and oral sex are a WHOLE new ballgame
9. looking at other guys with goatees like mine is really, really hot

Love, Josh

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Feb. 16th, 2004 01:53 pm Winter sux..

Ok, enough of the snow, already... what I wouldn't do to get back on my motorcycle and feel warm air on me again! I've now officially been on testosterone for about 20 months. I recently switched from androgel to a manufactured 10% testosterone cream. I did it for a number of reasons... not the least of which was that D's T level has gone up 10 fold! Nonconsensually! The second reason is it has been an absolute pain to put two of those packets on... it's like 30 cc of alcohol gel that I had to rub everywhere and then reek of alcohol/chemicals. The third reason I switched revolved around me feeling a bit "drunk" about an hour or so after I put the T on. I think I was absorbing a large amount of the alcohol in the gel. My transition continues but obviously at a slower rate then b4. The hair on my chest continues to fill in and thank God, over the scars on my chest. My facial hair is finally darkening up and starting to crawl up my cheeks... I think another year and my beard will be fuller then I would of ever dreamed of. :) The hair on my arms and down my belly continues to grow but has thankfully slowed down. The newest change has been the rather sudden formation of a beer gut that I really did not forsee happening to me. I've always been scrawny and to look down and see this paunch is weird. I have literally gained nearly 3 inches around my waist, an inch around my thighs and have gone up a full shoe size. I have discovered that if I am going to stay on T, I will have to do situps and at least attempt to work out. :( Dad lent me some of his ties last night and I'm wearing one here at work today... this is my official "first day" for wearing a tie! yay. Or at least yay until I realized that I feel like I'm choking all day and had to watch how I ate lunch so my tie didn't fall into my spaghetti. It will take some getting used to... but my Dad and his buddy last night told me it was part of being a man. Dad is going to take me shopping when he gets back from his trip... I need to get a few suits made and have some shirts made. It's really wierd... you feel like the transition is going smoothly and you know everything already and then you find out there is much more to know. Dad and his buddy taught me how to do a "military tuck" last night with my shirt tail, how to tie a decent tie knot and did a "two finger" test under my collar. It felt too tight but they laughed at me... saying "get used to it" and it's uncomfortable to dress like a man, that's the way it is! :P But it felt good to have their attention on me... teaching me and winking, remarking on how well the new shirt fits, and having dad's bud tell me he would NEVER know I had ever been a girl. It was SO what I needed to hear... I sometimes feel like I am the same person underneath, and that I couldn't possibly be seen as a guy by the world... but they accept me! They shake my hand when I leave, my dad calls me "son" and "buddy"... I kicked his ass at pool a few weeks ago.... I'm feeling bigger then I've ever felt in my life. It's like sliding into home... jumping on a hotel bed... rolling up on the throttle on my bike... a rush, a letting go of everything for just this moment. I have never felt this right in my gender... nor so absolutely certain that this man has been here all along. D and I went to a wedding on Sat eve and noticed that there were a table of lesbians next to us... we were at a diff table with some butch/transguys and their gf's. We chatted about transition, sitting comfortably with drinks in hand, smoothing our ties... and I would glance at the lesbian table. And I would smile, remembering the few good memories I could... and realized that I had become invisible to them... that my glances were not returned, my memories never revealed. And I asked the guys next to me what would of happened if we had been put at that table... the response was quick, it would have been uncomfortable. But I have to reveal today that I would have answered similarly... that as I lean toward male, I am actually finding that the "lean" is now over. And that male is all I am. How far I've come... how sad I am to realize that I don't have much in common with these beautiful women at the table next to me... the dichotomy made me get up and get another beer. I guess I felt alone... but I also felt like what bound me has now been released and that choices had to be made. If I were to describe the feeling it would be a sound... of the click-clacking and sharp tug on the ascent of a long and steep rollercoaster. Like there's no going back or getting off... and why would you?? The descent and rush has been well worth the fear.... and as in life, I'm quite sure I would get in line to experience it all over again. :) Jos

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Jan. 17th, 2004 12:01 pm Devotion

I got an email from Midori's listserv this morning and it got me thinking... it was an elegant portrayal of her life and her constant search for a slave that matched her need. And I was a bit surprised at how much her words resonated in me and how much I still felt my own pull to serve and be served. I sometimes dream of what my bottom boy would be like and what it would be like to own him. I sometimes see deep brown eyes... lithe and reticent, and other times... I see a stocky bear boy, strong and compliant, sweet and docile. he never really seems to have a face, but sometimes I think I can already smell him. I have never considered myself an experienced player at 32 years of age, nor even remotely the callibur of top that can reach out and grasp this sweetest of boys that kneels ready in my mind. But, I imagine him often. I want him to want to serve, to need it and be willing to grow with me. It's perhaps silly, but my mind always floods with foot massages, blueberry pancakes and a really nice plate of pears and brie. he does this because he wants to, because I love those things... and he wants me to be happy, above all else. When I come home from work, my dinner is ready and my pipe packed with sweet black cherry tabacco. The collar never leaves his neck and everyone around me knows his place is near me... behind me. When we are out, his eyes never stray from me... my glass never empty. And, unlike Midori... I do feel a great sense of sexual gratification from this. I may reward him... I may not. But his loyalty does not waver. He doesn't have a name... other then my boy. And when people see him... it is embedded into this skin, his collar... his mind. I want him curled up on the floor... I want him open... I want him available. he loves this... he lives for this.... and I own every inch of him. yum.

Josh

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Jan. 2nd, 2004 02:37 pm Drama

I'm noticing as I get further into my transition that I am feeling less inclined to write as often here. Not sure what that is about. I sincerely feel like testosterone has made me less vocal, less communicative and certainly less fluid. Nonetheless, here I am.. feeling a need just to spit some stuff out... like I always do. Lots of drama has been going on in the local trans group here and I of course have been trying to stay clear of it all. In short, it's that old "us vs. them" crap... genderqueer vs the men who feel like they've always been men thang. To say I am irritated by it all is an understatement. I really love when a group of people who are ostracized decide to alienate eachother... like we aren't alone enough in this fucked up world. But I guess it just goes to show you that there are as many different people as there are genders and it can be difficult sometimes to make it fit right. I just know I'm a guy who feels like everyone should be treated fairly and respected for who they are. I'm not sure how folks who've been thru our insanely regimented 2-gendered society can even have issues with men or genderqueers. It makes me want to say to people--- everyone has the right to exist and be happy, so STFU. Am I the only one that doesn't get what everyone's issues are? I mean, if you take the last bowl of Captain Crunch, you'll have to answer to me.. but what the fuck does anyone care about what gender they choose or not choose? I myself have felt some kickback from a few transmen and genderqueer folk that ignore me or avoid me... but my mailman doesn't go out of his way to say hello either... so it's not exactly a gender thing to me. I don't take it personally, I move on, live my life and love the people who show love back. It doesn't get much easier. Maybe the real issues people have are really all about themselves. If you don't feel comfy about yourself, you might want to hoist your own crap onto everyone else? Boy... just what I've always wanted, someone else's luggage... :P

Josh

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Nov. 28th, 2003 08:05 pm Surgery Part 2

After the 3-4 days of oblivion, I started finally feeling better. I have to say there really was never that much pain. You just feel real sore and the tightness of the stitches kinda pulls you forward... so when you walk you feel stooped over. The drains were probably what hurt most. If you twisted one way or caught the bulb on something you WILL pay. On the fifth day I took a bumpy and painful cab ride back to Dr B's office for him to pull the drains. While I was WAY looking forward to getting rid of those damn things, I had heard from some folks that it can be very painful when they are removed. Dr B had me lie down and then he looked at me strangely and paused b4 he pulled the right drain. I took a deep breath, he pulled fast and it was out! I have to say, it didn't feel good but it was NOT as painful as everyone made it out to be. The deal is... these drains go all the way from your armpit to your pec so when he pulled it, I felt the drain drag all the way underneathe my skin. Yuck. After pulling my drains, D looked at my chest and smiled big. I had not had a chance to see my chest yet. She asked for a mirror and Dr B handed it to me. I have to tell you.... fuck bedside manner. The man is an Artist. I saw the stitches follow beautiful archs underneathe each pec muscle and 2 nipple grafts that were perfectly placed. Dr B said the grafts looked great! I had been praying up until that point that they had taken and were not going to die on me. But there they were! The nipples looked lopsided but Dr B said that was due to all the puffiness and bruising. My chest looked inflammed and puffy but by God, my breasts were GONE and in its place, a wonderful flat chest. I was elated! On the cab ride home I realized that although I thought my percocet haze was history... the pulling of the drains had revved up my painful sides where the drafts had been. I hope all who read this remember to save some pain meds for after the drain pull. I needed another 12 hours of pain relief after that. The next 2 days I ended up with a migraine and puked my guts up which really sucked... but on the 7th day, we went back to Dr B's office to pull the rest of the stitches out around my nipples and the pec incisions. It hurt a bit but was over before I knew it. I can't tell you how relieved I was when those were pulled! I could finally stretch a bit and yes, could finally wipe myself (much to D's satisfaction I'm sure...) ;) Like the last time, after the visit the pain got a bit much and I ended up going back to the hotel to take meds for my incision pain and ongoing headache. But that was the last percocet I took.. thank God. D and I caught a plane on the 8th day back home. D arranged for a wheelchair to take me to the gate which I at first thought was silly but turned out to be an awesome idea. I couldn't help D with ANY of the luggage. We upgraded to first class on the way home which also turned out to be a brilliant move. So I guess that's the end of my story. I took a shower today... I am keeping 2x2 gauze on my nipples and then putting a tight tshirt on. After that, unfortunately, I have to wear my binder over my tshirt and have to do so for the next few weeks. It sucks but I was told it's necessary to prevent swelling and fluid collection in your chest. When I put on my tight tshirt last night and looked in the mirror, I was amazed. I had NO idea how much breasts had affected the way I look. Oh, btw, yours truly has a beard now. I'd download a pic but I of course have NO idea how to do that. It isn't "Grizzly Adams" but it's there... small, well trimmed and believe it or not, seems complete. I guess the holes and gaps in my beard decided to grow in over the last 6 months? Who knows. So I guess dreams DO come true. All I wanted for Christmas was a beard and a new chest and in 2 short weeks it's all come true. Hallelujah. Much love to my familia~

Josh

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Nov. 27th, 2003 01:17 pm Finally Home-Part One

Well, the blessed event has come and went and we finally, finally reached home late last night. I figure some folks want to know what Top surgery is like, at least from my perspective. We arrived in San Fran last Sun and spent that eve going out and having dinner since we arrived late and trying to find a decent hotel. Nothing personal against San Fran but we had about 4 fights with taxi drivers, hotel staff and restaurant folk within the first 6 hours of getting there. In fact, the entire trip seemed to be one rude/belligerent moron after another but that's a separate email altogether. (those who know me know that I expect a certain amount of decorum in my every day interactions with the human species and San Fran did not fail to disappoint me.) NO tips for you!! :( Monday was our first trip to Dr B's office where he verified my checks went thru and told me when to show up at the surgery center at the crack of dawn on Tues. He was very cold appearing at first... not responding to jokes, not cracking a smile or even a laugh. I was at first a bit worried, thinking I was going to allow him to cut me but remembered everyone telling me not to let his curt demeanor dissuade me. So we tried to talk a bit with him and asked what to expect and put my fears down a bit. He gave me a prescription for percocet and we left to go fill it. Then we immediately went somewhere I KNEW would make me feel better: Mr.S. yay! I bought a new leather jacket, a form fitted bar vest and a pair of chaps that were fitted by this amazingly hot leatherman. Heaven, pure heaven I tell you. We had to spend the rest of the day prep'in for surgery by buying comfort food, getting extra pillows at the hotel and making sure we had straws, wetwipes, etc. For some reason I slept really well Mon night. Tues we awoke early and threw me into a pair of sweats and a button down flannel shirt. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to this surgery with a pull over t-shirt or sweatshirt... you will not be able to raise your arms, period. We arrived at the surg center via cab and went into the waiting room... which appeared pretty high-end and well staffed. They asked for my credit card to pay for the anesthesia/surg center fee, slapped a name bracelet onto my wrist and sent me back to get undressed. A wonderful gay man went thru my allergies, tied the back of my gown, & made sure I knew my breasts were going to be history... "really?". They put me on a gurney and this really wonderful, and sexy might I add, nurse put a long needle with a 1.5 inch catheter into the back of my hand. (If I may digress, those who know me know that I absolutely ADORE needles, catheters, nurses, etc so please take my descriptions with that in mind) Dr B came in and unceremoniously lifted my gown and marked my chest/breasts all over with permanent marker. He didn't say much... I was starting to wonder why I was doing this and then D said soothing things to me to get me to calm down. Don't get me wrong, I really like Dr B and actually grew quite fond of him but his bedside manner made the moment more scary then it had to be. An amazing anesthesiologist came in and told me he would do his best to make sure I was in no pain and he would give me powerful meds to combate my usual nausea/vomiting. About 10 min went by and then the nurse came in and pushed some IV versed into my line and within 30 secs I was suddenly really, really calm and floating. They wheeled me into the OR and had me scoot myself over to the Oper table and I was so out of it, I barely remember them pulling both arms out to the side and buckle them down. (they tell you they are going to do this b4 it happens). I heard Dr B say "start the propofol" and then I awoke in the recovery room. (Propofol is a powerful and immediate acting anesthesia). When I woke up, I was really sleepy and disoriented and felt a really tight binder around my chest. I was in a bit of pain and the anesthesiologist pushed some Fentanyl in my line to help. Then I felt really good and looked down to see both my breasts GONE and a binder in their place. It was an amazing moment!! I also noticed that two tubes were descending from under each of my armpits into 2 little plastic bulbs pinned to the bottom of my binder. Blood had already started to descend these tubes and collect into the bulbs. I found out later that these tubes actually track all the way into the middle of each pec from your armpits. They told D what to do with the bulbs, draining them, etc and then gave me 2 percocet and sent me out to the cab in a wheelchair. I say this with the utmost sincerity... I barely remember the next 3-4 days. D had me propped up on some pillows and shoved percocet into me every time I complained. She gave me "Ensure" to drink thru a straw because you really feel almost too tired to eat. I was able to wobble with help to the bathroom but D had to pull down my pants and God help me, wipe me off. BTW, at this moment I feel the need to share another tip with my breathren.. for the love of God, bring stool softeners and/or laxatives with you if you have this surgery. The combination of not eating much and TONS of narcs will make the hoover damn seem porous in comparison. I thanked God, D remembered this and gave me stool softners every 12 hours to help abate the impending problem. Shoot, I have to go now. Consider this Part One. I will return later to tell you about Part II. Joshua~~

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